For some time now, I've been munging on the disturbing reality of my own self-sabotage. It isn't an easy thing to admit... that you're been unconsciously undermining your own success at almost every turn in almost every aspect of your life... and yet that's precisely what I discovered I was doing to myself.
You see, no matter what anyone says, in my mind and heart I'm a Colossal Loser. Big "L" on my forehead and everything. And if nothing changes, I always will be. Oh, I'll try to convince you otherwise... I put on a pretty good show about wanting others to "appreciate my work," or "admire my talent," or whatever it is that I think OTHERS value in who I am. But in my mind and heart, I know that they'll never value me for ME. I'll never be "enough." I'll always be a fraud... and in that, always unworthy of happiness.
So, I make choices that will pretty much guarantee that I never find it.
I can't even begin to tally the number of times that I've had a "great idea," or an "ingenius spark of creativity"... only to watch it crumble in failure because I cannot bring myself to follow through on even simple tasks that would contribute to my own success. Standing back and observing these trends in my life, it becomes actually comical in a dark, tragic sort of way.
The most devastating part of self-loathing (which is the fertile, well-manured underlying soil of self-sabotage), is that a) you realize that the thing that killed your chances of success in your life was... you. And b) that your self-sabotage is part of an even greater cycle that is almost impossible to break out of. The more you sabotage yourself, the more you fail and the more unhappy you become. The more unhappy you become, the less you feel you are worthy of happiness, and the more validity is heaped onto the refuse pile of self-loathing. And on and on and on and on.
You see, once we determine that we are not worthy of success or happiness, we often make unconscious choices that validate that belief. "See? I told you I'm a failure. Just look at my latest 'great idea.' NOTHING works for me." It's easy to validate failure. All you have to do is fail. It's familiar territory. It's your "old stomping ground." It has all of the comfort of the proverbial "old shoe." You know it, and it knows you. It is a "known."
Of course, my inner self argues, "I WANT to be happy... I WANT to be successful... are you kidding me?" The truth is that while happiness and success are things you desperate yearn for, they are invariably something that you inwardly know you'll never achieve, because in your heart, you believe that you don't deserve it, that you aren't "good enough" to achieve it, and that you aren't "enough" to be in that class of lucky people. So, faced with your withering self-loathing, your obedient inner self snaps to attention with a hearty, "Aye, Aye, Captain!" and carries out your orders to make sure that belief is more than valid.
While it's fairly easy to see how this condition manifests itself in the secular workaday world... I'm not entirely sure if we realize the damage that it does to us spiritually, which I've discovered can be far more subtle and insidious.
Let examine the story of "Joe."
Joe suffers from chronic depression, and yet is a faithful member of his Church, and attends meetings every Sunday. He fulfills assignments, and tries to be "good," since that is what people do who are "righteous"... they are "good." They do "good things." They treat people well. They're perfectly honest. They have perfectly pure thoughts. They never do "bad" things. They don't struggle with addiction. They don't "sin." They never stray from the "straight and narrow." They strive to exemplify a higher standard in their conduct. They are filled with the joy and light that result from being innately "good."
Joe was taught from a very young age that if he wanted to be with God, he must meet certain standards and criteria and basically must be pretty damned near perfect, as "no unclean thing can enter the Kingdom of God." Joe looks around himself at Church, and all he sees are people that are "good." People that are definitely better than him. And people that deserve to be happy and successful and to live with God someday.
At church, Joe sees an entire congregation of people that, compared to him, are damned near perfect. He feels out of place and "less than." This causes Joe a tremendous amount of pain and anguish in his soul because he desperately WANTS to be "good." He loves God. He WANTS to be "righteous." And yet, at every turn, it seems like he consistently does something that drives a wedge more deeply between this deep spiritual desire and achieving that peace and self-acceptance.
Joe doesn't believe that he measures up. Not by a long shot. He's nowhere near perfect, and in fact is obsessed with past mistakes and sins that he really doesn't believe deep down inside that he has ever been really forgiven for... because he's "Joe." He knows how dark his thoughts and feelings can be sometimes. He knows that he can never be among the "righteous"... not really. He isn't "good." He's broken. He doesn't have perfectly clean thoughts. He is irritable and impatient with others. He's made some pretty bad mistakes throughout his life. He is damaged. He is depressed about how he doesn't measure up, and the more depressed this makes him the stronger his belief becomes that he will NEVER measure up. Not really.
Joe believes deep inside that if the others at church REALLY knew how badly he didn't measure up and how "bad" he was, they would throw him out and tell him to never come back. After all, "good" people don't deserve to be burdened with someone so "bad." It just drags everyone down.
As Joe plods through his Hell-hole of a life, he finds himself sometimes doing things... bad things... that do some pretty serious validation of his feelings of unworthiness.
It truly baffles Joe; he doesn't understand why he does those things... they don't bring him joy or light or happiness... he knows they're wrong... he feels deep remorse because of them. He never set out to do them. And yet it seems like some invisible force compels him to do them, almost against his very will. Joe becomes more and more frustrated, angry, and depressed. He desperately wants to be 'good.' Being 'bad' is not what he wants. But it seems that being "bad" is just what he is. Every time he tries to be "good," he winds up doing something "bad" as if to prove that he's just not worthy of being "good."
Of course, every time Joe does one of these 'bad things,' his inner dialogue screams, "See?! I TOLD you that I'm a Bad Person, and that I'm not worthy of ever being forgiven, much less 'good.' I'm not like the 'good' people. I just can't do this." Joe's self-esteem drops like a rock. Joe's self-loathing takes off like a rocket. Same song, different verse. Rinse and repeat. Worlds without end.
Joe will eventually find himself so overcome with self-hatred and hopelessness that he will at least think seriously about taking his own life. After all, he doesn't deserve to live. It's that bad. Joe believes that his soul is so stained and filthy that it will never be clean again. Everyone would be so much better off if he weren't there to drag everyone down and hurt those that he loves.
Does Joe intellectually know better? Of course. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Joe knows the REAL truth. He's a Colossal Loser... always has been, always will be, and hell-bent on proving it to everyone... especially to himself and God. You see, the loftier his desires and goals, the harder his subconscious works to prove that it will never happen... that he simply isn't worth it. It is a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
The Island of Misfit Toys
As I lay awake in bed tonight, struggling to quiet the ever-present demons, a thought occurred to me that whispered truth in my ear... and really made me think. (One of the more common pastimes for those who are severely depressed is to wonder why they are so miserable and screwed-up... and why nothing seems to help).
Tonight I gained a tiny bit of clarity, I think. It didn't help me feel better, of course, other than to gain another piece of the never-ending puzzle that is my depression.
The insight? That I just don't "fit in"... and never have.
As I put this theory to the test and went back through my life story and thought about each discrete stage, event, or segment, I came to realize that in almost every case, I felt like I didn't "fit in" somehow.
Childhood? Didn't fit in. Only child. Broken and abused almost from birth through age 11. Moved around a lot. Always the new kid at school. Always the last one chosen. Beaten up. Kids are cruel and mean. Never close to anyone. 8 schools in 12 grades.
Adolescence? Didn't fit in. Tried, and had some limited success socially, but in the end, no cigar. Did a lot of great stuff. Had great opportunities. Only bright, shining spots in my life. Most marred by serious mistakes, though.. Again, very few close friendships. Friends that I did have seemed to be much better people than I knew I was... so I didn't "fit in" with their crowd.
Adulthood? Didn't fit in. Poor relationship with almost all of my siblings, as I was 10 years older than the next oldest... don't even really know them. They detest me. Moved around even more. No roots. Dreams of education shattered by poverty and sudden family responsibility. Hopeless. No future. Loveless marriage. Always the new guy at Church... and work. Never part of the ward "cliques." No close friends. Any associations I did have that made me feel wanted and needed seemed to end abruptly. First Marriage destroyed. Kicked out of Church I loved. Not wanted. Went off deep end. No close friends. Completely alone. No one to talk to or confide in.
Second marriage? Tried valiantly to "fit in" with new spouse and step-kids, and then with my own kids we had together. Never got there. Ultimately sabotaged and destroyed. Career sabotaged and destroyed. Strike two. Left the Church. Totally hopeless, despondent, and suicidal for the first time. Still no friends. No one to talk to. No support mechanism.
Third marriage? 20 years into it now and still constantly miserable and sabotaging my relationships. Still no friends. Step-children punish and torture my wife for staying with me. Constantly feel guilty and hopeless. Don't "fit in" with family. Don't "fit in" anywhere... not at Church, not professionally (what profession?), not in any sense of the word. Bitter. Angry. Resigned. Too old to "reinvent" myself.
Days, weeks, months, years, decades come and go... all the while realizing that I've never "fit in" anywhere. My Church doesn't want me. Feels like God doesn't want me. I've totally failed at being a husband, father, and apparently, friend. Any "friend" I make only uses me, and then ultimately discards me. No professional success of any kind. Almost 60 and nothing to show for it. If I died tomorrow, not only would my family not be able to afford to bury me, I seriously wonder if anyone would even notice that I was gone... much less miss me. And many in my own family would actually rejoice at my passing.
Where will I go when I die? I'm certain that I won't "fit in" in the hereafter. Not righteous enough. Not good enough. Failure at even that. I wonder sometimes if there's even a place for me... anywhere... where I truly "fit in?"
What happens when you don't "fit in" to eternity? When everlasting happiness and peace is something that someone else... everyone else... gets to enjoy, except you? I imagine "forever" as being a place where I'm consigned to always be the "outsider." Never, ever "fitting in." Anywhere. Forever.
Tonight I gained a tiny bit of clarity, I think. It didn't help me feel better, of course, other than to gain another piece of the never-ending puzzle that is my depression.
The insight? That I just don't "fit in"... and never have.
As I put this theory to the test and went back through my life story and thought about each discrete stage, event, or segment, I came to realize that in almost every case, I felt like I didn't "fit in" somehow.
Childhood? Didn't fit in. Only child. Broken and abused almost from birth through age 11. Moved around a lot. Always the new kid at school. Always the last one chosen. Beaten up. Kids are cruel and mean. Never close to anyone. 8 schools in 12 grades.
Adolescence? Didn't fit in. Tried, and had some limited success socially, but in the end, no cigar. Did a lot of great stuff. Had great opportunities. Only bright, shining spots in my life. Most marred by serious mistakes, though.. Again, very few close friendships. Friends that I did have seemed to be much better people than I knew I was... so I didn't "fit in" with their crowd.
Adulthood? Didn't fit in. Poor relationship with almost all of my siblings, as I was 10 years older than the next oldest... don't even really know them. They detest me. Moved around even more. No roots. Dreams of education shattered by poverty and sudden family responsibility. Hopeless. No future. Loveless marriage. Always the new guy at Church... and work. Never part of the ward "cliques." No close friends. Any associations I did have that made me feel wanted and needed seemed to end abruptly. First Marriage destroyed. Kicked out of Church I loved. Not wanted. Went off deep end. No close friends. Completely alone. No one to talk to or confide in.
Second marriage? Tried valiantly to "fit in" with new spouse and step-kids, and then with my own kids we had together. Never got there. Ultimately sabotaged and destroyed. Career sabotaged and destroyed. Strike two. Left the Church. Totally hopeless, despondent, and suicidal for the first time. Still no friends. No one to talk to. No support mechanism.
Third marriage? 20 years into it now and still constantly miserable and sabotaging my relationships. Still no friends. Step-children punish and torture my wife for staying with me. Constantly feel guilty and hopeless. Don't "fit in" with family. Don't "fit in" anywhere... not at Church, not professionally (what profession?), not in any sense of the word. Bitter. Angry. Resigned. Too old to "reinvent" myself.
Days, weeks, months, years, decades come and go... all the while realizing that I've never "fit in" anywhere. My Church doesn't want me. Feels like God doesn't want me. I've totally failed at being a husband, father, and apparently, friend. Any "friend" I make only uses me, and then ultimately discards me. No professional success of any kind. Almost 60 and nothing to show for it. If I died tomorrow, not only would my family not be able to afford to bury me, I seriously wonder if anyone would even notice that I was gone... much less miss me. And many in my own family would actually rejoice at my passing.
Where will I go when I die? I'm certain that I won't "fit in" in the hereafter. Not righteous enough. Not good enough. Failure at even that. I wonder sometimes if there's even a place for me... anywhere... where I truly "fit in?"
What happens when you don't "fit in" to eternity? When everlasting happiness and peace is something that someone else... everyone else... gets to enjoy, except you? I imagine "forever" as being a place where I'm consigned to always be the "outsider." Never, ever "fitting in." Anywhere. Forever.
Saturday, December 21, 2019
The Christmas Doldrums
Every. Single. Year.
I'm not kidding. Every. Single. Year. it's the same crap.
It seems like EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. when Christmas rolls around, we're penniless, anxious, depressed, and stressed.
For the last 3 years, we haven't bothered to put up a tree. We haven't decorated for Christmas. It's just been another day. Another depressing, "Let's-get-this-over-with" day.
This year is no different.
Let me backtrack a bit.
Iowa was... an experience. We had high hopes for getting a bit ahead there, which were dashed when we realized that Tracy wasn't going to be getting any transcripts. We lost money every month. When our lease was up, it was a choice of either moving to yet another over-priced house to go further in debt each month staying in Iowa, or moving into a divey crime-infested neighborhood that we could afford, or move out of the state. We chose the latter... counting on getting our deposit back to help us afford the move.
We moved in November (that's part of the problem, quite frankly... we keep moving right before Christmas, draining resources and what little funds we have). The move was incredibly expensive. We couldn't have done it without some miraculous sales on the hotel side, and a loan from my mom. As if the holidays weren't stressful enough, at 62 years of age, I'm still having to borrow money from my parents to live. So much for self-esteem. But I digress.
We arrive in Utah, to new beginnings, new possibilities, and no money. We hit the ground running, however, and work hard from the get-go, living in my parents' basement to save money. So far, so good, right? We find a house that's liveable, but MUCH more expensive than what we've paid before in rent, but we swallowed hard, had faith, and took the plunge.
Getting paid for Tracy's work is the dictionary definition of "frustrating." She doesn't get paid until the attorneys pay. Which sometimes is sooner, sometimes is later. In our case, of course, they simply can't be bothered to pay before Christmas, at least, so that she can be paid. Isn't a priority. So, another Christmas, still destitute. Still struggling. Still stressed out of our minds.
Our deposit from our house in Iowa? The landlords decide, "Hey, they're gone. They won't come after us. We'll just keep it." Can't get a single attorney to call us back... even those we are friends with. Everyone wants to protect and defend the landlords... after all, they have the money. Not the tenants.
Of course, nothing happens the week before/after Christmas, so we don't know if we're going to make rent on the 1st of January or not.
We are tired, weary, exhausted, and utterly despondent. Tired of constantly having to deal with this. Tired of the battle. Tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of... well... all of it, actually.
Fa la la.
I'm not kidding. Every. Single. Year. it's the same crap.
It seems like EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. when Christmas rolls around, we're penniless, anxious, depressed, and stressed.
For the last 3 years, we haven't bothered to put up a tree. We haven't decorated for Christmas. It's just been another day. Another depressing, "Let's-get-this-over-with" day.
This year is no different.
Let me backtrack a bit.
Iowa was... an experience. We had high hopes for getting a bit ahead there, which were dashed when we realized that Tracy wasn't going to be getting any transcripts. We lost money every month. When our lease was up, it was a choice of either moving to yet another over-priced house to go further in debt each month staying in Iowa, or moving into a divey crime-infested neighborhood that we could afford, or move out of the state. We chose the latter... counting on getting our deposit back to help us afford the move.
We moved in November (that's part of the problem, quite frankly... we keep moving right before Christmas, draining resources and what little funds we have). The move was incredibly expensive. We couldn't have done it without some miraculous sales on the hotel side, and a loan from my mom. As if the holidays weren't stressful enough, at 62 years of age, I'm still having to borrow money from my parents to live. So much for self-esteem. But I digress.
We arrive in Utah, to new beginnings, new possibilities, and no money. We hit the ground running, however, and work hard from the get-go, living in my parents' basement to save money. So far, so good, right? We find a house that's liveable, but MUCH more expensive than what we've paid before in rent, but we swallowed hard, had faith, and took the plunge.
Getting paid for Tracy's work is the dictionary definition of "frustrating." She doesn't get paid until the attorneys pay. Which sometimes is sooner, sometimes is later. In our case, of course, they simply can't be bothered to pay before Christmas, at least, so that she can be paid. Isn't a priority. So, another Christmas, still destitute. Still struggling. Still stressed out of our minds.
Our deposit from our house in Iowa? The landlords decide, "Hey, they're gone. They won't come after us. We'll just keep it." Can't get a single attorney to call us back... even those we are friends with. Everyone wants to protect and defend the landlords... after all, they have the money. Not the tenants.
Of course, nothing happens the week before/after Christmas, so we don't know if we're going to make rent on the 1st of January or not.
We are tired, weary, exhausted, and utterly despondent. Tired of constantly having to deal with this. Tired of the battle. Tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of... well... all of it, actually.
Fa la la.
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Thoughts on Living, Dying... and Christmas
Living the kind of eclectic life I've lived, I've gained a perspective that others can... and in fact have... considered bizarre. I was thinking about this recently when a dear friend of mine from high school passed away after a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
I was with her just after she was diagnosed, and did a portrait session of her at the time... which I knew inwardly her family might value when she was gone. It was a gift from me to her.
From the time she was diagnosed, we spoke often on Facebook, and I was able to follow her through her anger, through her bargaining, through her stubborn resistance, through her outright denial,through her entire grieving process. It tore my heart out.
One day, not long into her battle, in the midst of hearing her insist (yet again) that she would "beat this" and be "OK," I found myself getting emotional, and a bit indignant. So I wrote her a message that I'm sure made her angry. She was totally NOT expecting what I told her. Keep in mind that she had just been given the news that she had Stage 4 cancer.
I said,
Her response, while not unexpected, was disappointing to me. If only we could truly appreciate the gift of time that each one of us has been so graciously given. Time to heal. Time to forgive. Time to say goodbye. Time to create memories that we will cherish for the eternities. Time to do all the things we have been planning on doing "someday."
Someone told me that doctors rarely opt for treatment measures to extend their lives in the midst of terminal diseases... instead, knowing the kind of "quality of life" they will be extending for just a few weeks or months, they opt instead to prepare. And from my perspective, that makes so much more sense.
Time is a gift. This Christmas season, spend yours wisely. You never know when your time will be gone. It could be in an instant. I could be over the course of painful months and/or years. Prepare NOW.
I was with her just after she was diagnosed, and did a portrait session of her at the time... which I knew inwardly her family might value when she was gone. It was a gift from me to her.
From the time she was diagnosed, we spoke often on Facebook, and I was able to follow her through her anger, through her bargaining, through her stubborn resistance, through her outright denial,through her entire grieving process. It tore my heart out.One day, not long into her battle, in the midst of hearing her insist (yet again) that she would "beat this" and be "OK," I found myself getting emotional, and a bit indignant. So I wrote her a message that I'm sure made her angry. She was totally NOT expecting what I told her. Keep in mind that she had just been given the news that she had Stage 4 cancer.
I said,
She let me know that she didn't appreciate my sentiments. She snapped back, "Thank you. But I'm not hopeless. I still think I am going to make it.""I think you’ve been given a tremendous gift.""Having been a paramedic for as long as I was, one of the things that never ceased to amaze me was the realization that every single patient that I treated that passed away, mostly from trauma... Didn't plan on going home that day.
"They were completely unprepared. They never had a chance to prepare. They never got to say goodbye. They never got to make their wrongs right.
"Each and every one of them would have given all they had for what you have... a chance to prepare.
"I think the thing that all of us forget sometimes in our illusion of immortality, is that all of us... without exception... are going to die sometime.
"The thing that matters is what we do with the time we have left.
"It may sound funny, but serve others. Immerse yourself in service where you can. And give your children the gift of your time, so that they can continue to create memories.
"They will cherish that. And write. Give them a part of you to keep forever. Write your personal history.
Her response, while not unexpected, was disappointing to me. If only we could truly appreciate the gift of time that each one of us has been so graciously given. Time to heal. Time to forgive. Time to say goodbye. Time to create memories that we will cherish for the eternities. Time to do all the things we have been planning on doing "someday."
Someone told me that doctors rarely opt for treatment measures to extend their lives in the midst of terminal diseases... instead, knowing the kind of "quality of life" they will be extending for just a few weeks or months, they opt instead to prepare. And from my perspective, that makes so much more sense.
Time is a gift. This Christmas season, spend yours wisely. You never know when your time will be gone. It could be in an instant. I could be over the course of painful months and/or years. Prepare NOW.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
"Oh.... It's you."
Back in June of this year, when I was struggling with a particularly nasty bout of severe depression... I wrote a blog in which I uncharacteristically laid bare the demons that I wrestle with, and have, for years now.
In reading over it tonight, as I sat at my computer, wishing that I were happily snoozing in my nice, warm, bed... I noticed that there were two comments on my blog post... which kind of surprised me. What surprised me even more was that they were from my mother-in-law.
The first comment was rather long, and very compassionate... gushy, even. I was actually becoming somewhat moved that my mother-in-law was showing so much concern, compassion and empathy for what I had been struggling with. But then when I reached the end, it became clear that she was confused, and thought that my wife had written the blog... most likely because my wife probably shared my blog on her own wall, where my mother-in-law saw it.
The second comment is what really grabbed my attention. She "walked back" her comments, saying "I think I have to back up here... " wondering if my wife or I had written the blog entry... and added that if it was ME, instead of her daughter, then she was "surprised because [she] would never have guessed [me] to be depressed." She added that I could "talk to her if I wanted to." End of comment.
Sometimes people around you... even family... especially family... can be so utterly clueless that you either have to laugh or cry.
This is a woman who has almost single-handedly destroyed my wife's life, treating her like she was garbage, like my wife was the family pariah, and like she was almost sorry that she ever had my wife as a child. I can't even count the number of devastatingly horrible, hurtful things she has said to my wife just since we've been married. Before we were married, when my wife's first husband was physically abusing her, my sweet mother-in-law once told my wife, "I can't believe that [her ex] didn't start beating you sooner," or something of that nature.
When Tracy and I married, my oldest step-daughter was 14, and had been acting as something of a pseudo-parent to the other kids while my wife struggled as a single mom with 5 kids... many of whom, we would learn later, had serious issues. When we married, she felt "replaced" when she was no longer needed in that role... and became deeply, sociopathically resentful. Over the next few years, she pulled apart from the family, and became more and more disruptive, to the point where we finally had to ask her to leave our home.
Over the next couple of decades, she would succeed in turning the entirety of just about all the family my wife had left against me... and then my wife for "staying with me." She decided to punish my wife for... well... being my wife by cutting off all communication with her, and forbidding her from ever seeing her children... my wife's only grandchildren.
She falsely accused me to being "inappropriate" with her... because, when her grandfather died (who she was very close to), and she was sobbing, my wife and I sat next to her on her bed, and I pulled her up onto my lap and held her while she sobbed, while her mother hugged her as well.
Desperate to garner sympathy with her peers and to lash out at us, she starting leveling false accusations. Behind our backs in a blog she wrote that she never thought we would see, that tender moment when her "papa" died suddenly turned that into a "strange middle-aged man forcing me on top of him," and she started calling herself a "survivor." Words can't describe our feelings of betrayal and hurt on reading the fabrications she wrote... which she quickly took down when she found out that we had seen it.
And, quite frankly, it would have been one thing to have a bitter, petulant child do this.
But my wife's brother, and my mother-in-law, both bought into these lies (after all, they said, why would she lie?), and were cruel beyond belief to both my wife and I. They constantly trashed us behind our backs to anyone that would listen. This very vindictive step-daughter even began actively trying to indoctrinate our other children and turn them against us as well, which she succeeded in doing with several of my other step-children.
In the midst of all of this, my mother-in-law steadfastly sided with step-daughter in condemning me, leaving my wife without a family, without any love and support from those who should have been there for her no matter what... and most hurtfully, without her own grandchildren. Her own mother cluelessly contributed to all of this mean-spirited, vindictive evil, apparently not even being cognizant of the consequences her actions were having.
It's been very difficult for me to wrap my arms around this emotionally, spiritually, and every other way. How can someone who is supposed to be there for you... your own family... be so unbelievably cold, callous, cruel and hurtful? I'll never understand it.
The reality is that much of the severity of my depression has been fueled by the events that occurred in my wife's family over the last 20-odd years. Seeing my mother-in-law's comment on my blog post just kinda triggered an avalanche of bitter feelings. And when my demons show up... as they do from time to time... this is one that quite often leads the pack.
This is not how it's supposed to be. This is not how any of this is supposed to be.
In reading over it tonight, as I sat at my computer, wishing that I were happily snoozing in my nice, warm, bed... I noticed that there were two comments on my blog post... which kind of surprised me. What surprised me even more was that they were from my mother-in-law.
The first comment was rather long, and very compassionate... gushy, even. I was actually becoming somewhat moved that my mother-in-law was showing so much concern, compassion and empathy for what I had been struggling with. But then when I reached the end, it became clear that she was confused, and thought that my wife had written the blog... most likely because my wife probably shared my blog on her own wall, where my mother-in-law saw it.
The second comment is what really grabbed my attention. She "walked back" her comments, saying "I think I have to back up here... " wondering if my wife or I had written the blog entry... and added that if it was ME, instead of her daughter, then she was "surprised because [she] would never have guessed [me] to be depressed." She added that I could "talk to her if I wanted to." End of comment.
Sometimes people around you... even family... especially family... can be so utterly clueless that you either have to laugh or cry.
This is a woman who has almost single-handedly destroyed my wife's life, treating her like she was garbage, like my wife was the family pariah, and like she was almost sorry that she ever had my wife as a child. I can't even count the number of devastatingly horrible, hurtful things she has said to my wife just since we've been married. Before we were married, when my wife's first husband was physically abusing her, my sweet mother-in-law once told my wife, "I can't believe that [her ex] didn't start beating you sooner," or something of that nature.
When Tracy and I married, my oldest step-daughter was 14, and had been acting as something of a pseudo-parent to the other kids while my wife struggled as a single mom with 5 kids... many of whom, we would learn later, had serious issues. When we married, she felt "replaced" when she was no longer needed in that role... and became deeply, sociopathically resentful. Over the next few years, she pulled apart from the family, and became more and more disruptive, to the point where we finally had to ask her to leave our home.
Over the next couple of decades, she would succeed in turning the entirety of just about all the family my wife had left against me... and then my wife for "staying with me." She decided to punish my wife for... well... being my wife by cutting off all communication with her, and forbidding her from ever seeing her children... my wife's only grandchildren.
She falsely accused me to being "inappropriate" with her... because, when her grandfather died (who she was very close to), and she was sobbing, my wife and I sat next to her on her bed, and I pulled her up onto my lap and held her while she sobbed, while her mother hugged her as well.
Desperate to garner sympathy with her peers and to lash out at us, she starting leveling false accusations. Behind our backs in a blog she wrote that she never thought we would see, that tender moment when her "papa" died suddenly turned that into a "strange middle-aged man forcing me on top of him," and she started calling herself a "survivor." Words can't describe our feelings of betrayal and hurt on reading the fabrications she wrote... which she quickly took down when she found out that we had seen it.
And, quite frankly, it would have been one thing to have a bitter, petulant child do this.
But my wife's brother, and my mother-in-law, both bought into these lies (after all, they said, why would she lie?), and were cruel beyond belief to both my wife and I. They constantly trashed us behind our backs to anyone that would listen. This very vindictive step-daughter even began actively trying to indoctrinate our other children and turn them against us as well, which she succeeded in doing with several of my other step-children.
In the midst of all of this, my mother-in-law steadfastly sided with step-daughter in condemning me, leaving my wife without a family, without any love and support from those who should have been there for her no matter what... and most hurtfully, without her own grandchildren. Her own mother cluelessly contributed to all of this mean-spirited, vindictive evil, apparently not even being cognizant of the consequences her actions were having.
It's been very difficult for me to wrap my arms around this emotionally, spiritually, and every other way. How can someone who is supposed to be there for you... your own family... be so unbelievably cold, callous, cruel and hurtful? I'll never understand it.
The reality is that much of the severity of my depression has been fueled by the events that occurred in my wife's family over the last 20-odd years. Seeing my mother-in-law's comment on my blog post just kinda triggered an avalanche of bitter feelings. And when my demons show up... as they do from time to time... this is one that quite often leads the pack.
This is not how it's supposed to be. This is not how any of this is supposed to be.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
"For now we see through a glass, darkly"
When the apostle Paul penned these words to the Corinthians, he was referring to our limited knowledge as mortals of spiritual things. But in another sense, this phrase represents an apt description of what it's like to be severely depressed.
I recently had an eye exam, and have always been fascinated by that machine... you know the one... "Is 1 better, or 2?" "2 or 3?" Lenses of different types flip back and forth, sometimes improving our sight, sometimes making it worse. Sometimes it's impossible to see a change at all. In the end, we hopefully arrive at that perfect combination of correction that allows us to "see" clearly again. All too often, however, life serves up a strange array of lens combinations that completely screw up our ability to see clearly.
I realized, as I thought about this experience, that it was a perfect metaphor for the kind of depression that I suffer from. To me, depression isn't just "feeling sad." That's a gross over-simplification, and is actually pretty insulting to those who are deeply depressed, as it minimizes the depth and breadth of what they typically experience. Severe depression is much deeper and infinitely more complex than that. It is an infinite set of layers of strange lenses.
Think about it. If I were just "sad," there are a ton of things that I know I could do to brighten my spirits. With serious depression, however, almost nothing helps, and even worse, you don't FEEL like doing ANYTHING. It isn't something that is "once in a while." It's EVERY "while." Even as I sit here writing this, the overwhelming feeling is to walk away from this blog and do something else, because... what difference will it make?
Severe depression is an Insidiously Vicious Cycle from Hell. It is relentless. It never ends. And it relentlessly feeds on itself, growing stronger and more vicious.
A great example.
I often lament that I have no close friends, no one to really talk to, no one who will understand the good, bad, and the ugly that is me, and yet still be there for me. I crave that. I've had it at different points in my life, and those were the times when I can look back and say, "Now THAT was a good day..."
On the other hand, I understand perfectly why I have no close friends, and quite frankly, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be close to me. After all, I'm a loser. I'm miserable to be around. I'm a failure. An insufferable asshole. A pariah. I disappoint those closest to me, and let everyone I care about down. I don't even like me, so how can I fault anyone else for not liking me? I'm not worthy of love. I've come to accept that you'll never have what other people have. After all, I don't deserve it.
But then... the loneliness. "Gosh, I wish I had just one close friend..." and the guilt, shame, regret, and anguish come out to play. It's both dizzying, frustrating, and demoralizing. And it never ends.
You crave acceptance, understanding, and compassion, but the depression that grips your soul makes you someone so difficult to accept and hard to understand that it's next to impossible for others to feel compassion for you.
The undercurrent of irritability, anger and annoyance with just about everyone and everything ebbs and flows like the tides, but never really goes away.
When the emotional "tide" is in and you're deeply depressed, it's difficult to be around anyone without saying or doing something rude, intolerant or unkind. The compulsion to judge, to be harsh, to be abrupt, short, and untactful and undiplomatic washes over you like a 50-ft wave.
When the tide comes back out, guilt and regret at how you treated people when the tide was in become your constant companion... and you vow to be different, to change, to "be better next time." Until the "next time" comes. But it's never better. Wash, rinse, repeat. You never get a break... never a chance to just be... happy.
Of course, those around you see you as either a Colossal Asshole, or a garden-variety asshole. They never see the "real you." They never see the person you wish you could show them... the kind, loving, compassionate, funny, happy, upbeat, cheerful person that you imagine yourself to be when you dream.
And when you're not obsessed with trying to figure out what you can do to make people like you, much less love you, your depression takes the cue and steps into the forefront of your internal dialog to (very loudly) remind you of every petty, dark, disgusting, evil, horrible, selfish, hurtful, and despicable thing you've ever done in your life to remind you of just how utterly ridiculous you look trying to find something... anything... about yourself that can make yourself "likeable..." to someone. And of course, your depression speaks inviolate truth. Which is why you are a loser, and unworthy of friendship and Love. Back to Depression Central. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It's an unending Hell. It's an infernal merry-go-round that never lets you off. The only thing that keeps you from hurling yourself into the Great Abyss is the fleeting glances of the colors, sunshine, and happiness that others get to enjoy... and for a brief moment, imagining how they must feel.
The bottom line to this rather depressing blog is simply this... severe depression (especially when it comes adorned with the cherry of PTSD on top) varies in type and intensity from person to person. It's never simple. It's always complex and convoluted and difficult to get your arms around. And it's always debilitatingly painful. And rest assured that you have no earthly clue what anyone with severe depression is really feeling. You might feel like you can relate, because you've had "sad days." Those with severe depression think that's absolutely adorable.
If there is someone in your life who suffers from this horrendous condition, here is the magic bullet... just love them. Embrace them without judgment, especially when their emotional tide is "in." Don't wait for an engraved invitation to let them know that you accept them. Let them know, whether they know you know about their condition or not, how much you value them... no matter how they treat you from time to time. Because it really isn't about you. Hardly ever. Doing just those little things will give them a sliver of hope... which could be all they need to hang on to.
I recently had an eye exam, and have always been fascinated by that machine... you know the one... "Is 1 better, or 2?" "2 or 3?" Lenses of different types flip back and forth, sometimes improving our sight, sometimes making it worse. Sometimes it's impossible to see a change at all. In the end, we hopefully arrive at that perfect combination of correction that allows us to "see" clearly again. All too often, however, life serves up a strange array of lens combinations that completely screw up our ability to see clearly.
I realized, as I thought about this experience, that it was a perfect metaphor for the kind of depression that I suffer from. To me, depression isn't just "feeling sad." That's a gross over-simplification, and is actually pretty insulting to those who are deeply depressed, as it minimizes the depth and breadth of what they typically experience. Severe depression is much deeper and infinitely more complex than that. It is an infinite set of layers of strange lenses.
Think about it. If I were just "sad," there are a ton of things that I know I could do to brighten my spirits. With serious depression, however, almost nothing helps, and even worse, you don't FEEL like doing ANYTHING. It isn't something that is "once in a while." It's EVERY "while." Even as I sit here writing this, the overwhelming feeling is to walk away from this blog and do something else, because... what difference will it make?
Severe depression is an Insidiously Vicious Cycle from Hell. It is relentless. It never ends. And it relentlessly feeds on itself, growing stronger and more vicious.
A great example.
I often lament that I have no close friends, no one to really talk to, no one who will understand the good, bad, and the ugly that is me, and yet still be there for me. I crave that. I've had it at different points in my life, and those were the times when I can look back and say, "Now THAT was a good day..."
On the other hand, I understand perfectly why I have no close friends, and quite frankly, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be close to me. After all, I'm a loser. I'm miserable to be around. I'm a failure. An insufferable asshole. A pariah. I disappoint those closest to me, and let everyone I care about down. I don't even like me, so how can I fault anyone else for not liking me? I'm not worthy of love. I've come to accept that you'll never have what other people have. After all, I don't deserve it.
But then... the loneliness. "Gosh, I wish I had just one close friend..." and the guilt, shame, regret, and anguish come out to play. It's both dizzying, frustrating, and demoralizing. And it never ends.
You crave acceptance, understanding, and compassion, but the depression that grips your soul makes you someone so difficult to accept and hard to understand that it's next to impossible for others to feel compassion for you.
The undercurrent of irritability, anger and annoyance with just about everyone and everything ebbs and flows like the tides, but never really goes away.
When the emotional "tide" is in and you're deeply depressed, it's difficult to be around anyone without saying or doing something rude, intolerant or unkind. The compulsion to judge, to be harsh, to be abrupt, short, and untactful and undiplomatic washes over you like a 50-ft wave.
When the tide comes back out, guilt and regret at how you treated people when the tide was in become your constant companion... and you vow to be different, to change, to "be better next time." Until the "next time" comes. But it's never better. Wash, rinse, repeat. You never get a break... never a chance to just be... happy.
Of course, those around you see you as either a Colossal Asshole, or a garden-variety asshole. They never see the "real you." They never see the person you wish you could show them... the kind, loving, compassionate, funny, happy, upbeat, cheerful person that you imagine yourself to be when you dream.
And when you're not obsessed with trying to figure out what you can do to make people like you, much less love you, your depression takes the cue and steps into the forefront of your internal dialog to (very loudly) remind you of every petty, dark, disgusting, evil, horrible, selfish, hurtful, and despicable thing you've ever done in your life to remind you of just how utterly ridiculous you look trying to find something... anything... about yourself that can make yourself "likeable..." to someone. And of course, your depression speaks inviolate truth. Which is why you are a loser, and unworthy of friendship and Love. Back to Depression Central. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It's an unending Hell. It's an infernal merry-go-round that never lets you off. The only thing that keeps you from hurling yourself into the Great Abyss is the fleeting glances of the colors, sunshine, and happiness that others get to enjoy... and for a brief moment, imagining how they must feel.
The bottom line to this rather depressing blog is simply this... severe depression (especially when it comes adorned with the cherry of PTSD on top) varies in type and intensity from person to person. It's never simple. It's always complex and convoluted and difficult to get your arms around. And it's always debilitatingly painful. And rest assured that you have no earthly clue what anyone with severe depression is really feeling. You might feel like you can relate, because you've had "sad days." Those with severe depression think that's absolutely adorable.
If there is someone in your life who suffers from this horrendous condition, here is the magic bullet... just love them. Embrace them without judgment, especially when their emotional tide is "in." Don't wait for an engraved invitation to let them know that you accept them. Let them know, whether they know you know about their condition or not, how much you value them... no matter how they treat you from time to time. Because it really isn't about you. Hardly ever. Doing just those little things will give them a sliver of hope... which could be all they need to hang on to.
Friday, November 6, 2015
"Suffer the Little Children..."
At the behest of several friends who are seriously struggling with the leaked new instructions from the Church's Handbook of Instructions (A policy guide for local leaders), I'm going to venture a response to the announcement and its implications.
First, by way of open disclosure, you should know, Dear Reader, that this blog entry is an attempt to deal with a difficult, complex, and largely misunderstood issue intelligently, fairly, and reasonably... so if you are looking for fiery emotional vitriol, you will be sorely disappointed. And if you LEAVE fiery emotional vitriol in the comments, you will be sorely deleted.
Some have suggested with varying degrees of hysterics, histrionics, hand-wringing and not a small amount of weeping and wailing that the Big, Bad Church is now not only hateful and homophobic, and but is Satanically Cruel in denying salvation to little children of gay couples.
Here's a news flash.
The Big, Bad Church has ALWAYS decried homosexuality as a serious moral sin. Always. That's never changed. The only thing in that area that HAS changed is that a) the Church has made their love and concern for those affected by Same Sex Attraction much more clear and noticeable, and b) their alarm over the increasing acceptance of this practice in our society... something which would have been unheard of even 30-40 years ago.
"But condemning innocent children and babies? Seriously? How cruel and heartless! Those little children didn't do anything wrong!"
This is where the proverbial wheels fall off the critics of the Church who are attempting to turn this issue into a rallying cry for wholesale apostasy. This announcement has nothing whatsoever to do with "punishing" children of same-sex parents. In fact, it's exactly the opposite.
The reality is that baby blessings are not salvific in nature. In other words, a baby blessing has nothing whatsoever to do with babies being saved or not. It is an opportunity for the father of that child to give it a father's blessing, and to announce the baby's name as it will appear on the records of the Church as a "child of record." Being a "Child of Record" is not the same as being a member of the Church. That only occurs when the child is baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... just like everyone else.
The prophet Moroni made it very clear in the Book of Mormon that babies are saved in the Kingdom of God, as they are innocent. That hasn't changed. They are still pure, precious, and entitled to Celestial glory should they die before the age of accountability. Nothing in this announcement changes that.
So what changed? Children of same-sex couples (who, by the Lord's standard, are living in serious moral sin and if married, apostasy) cannot receive this blessing, and when eligible, have higher standards to meet for baptism because of the circumstances of their home environment... just like a child of polygamist parents, which the Church also considers to be serious moral sin, and apostasy.
The concern is that the influence of parents living in serious moral sin may have created beliefs and attitudes in the child that are contrary to the Lord's standards of righteousness. This is the situation with children of polygamist families as well. Since gay marriage has now become the law of the land, it is no surprise that this policy has been extended to them as well.
For those who question why innocent children "should be held to a higher standard" regarding baptism, there is extensive scriptural precedent.
Throughout history, particularly as documented in the Old Testament (see, for instance, 1 Sam 15), innocent children were actually slain "for the sins of the fathers," presumably because had they been left to grow up in the toxic and unrighteous environment they were in, they may have been worse than the parents who raised them in rebellion against God... and taking their lives as innocent children, where they were assured of salvation, was actually a blessing for them and a merciful act of a loving Heavenly Father.
While this is not the same situation in severity, of course, and no one is advocating mercy killings of children of same-sex parents, it very much is in principle... and the concern is reasonable and prudent.
Let me try to put this in a secular situation that might make more sense.
Let's say that a certain employee, who has worked for General Motors all their career, decides to go to work for Ford Motor Company. During all of their years at General Motors, they have been taught and indoctrinated about how evil and deficient Fords are.
The hiring manager at Ford, knowing of the employee's background at General Motors, might reasonably be more cautious and probing in the hiring and interview process no matter how much they wanted the employee to join them, perhaps even referring the hiring decision to the CEO for approval, to ensure that Ford's interests are not being compromised by someone who might believe that Ford Motors is, in fact, evil and deficient. They are not rejecting the employee from being hired... they are simply being cautious throughout the process. Without this caution and due diligence, the employee might have caused serious damage to Ford from within, and may have poisoned the reputation and quality that Ford may have worked long and hard to create. The employee could have caused serious damage to other employees, "poisoning the well," so to speak, regarding the other employees commitment to Ford.
This is precisely what the Church is doing with children being raised (and perhaps indoctrinated by) same-sex parents... just like those children being raised (and perhaps indoctrinated by) polygamist families. The Church has not only a right, but a sacred obligation, to protect itself and its members. No one is denying salvation to anyone. Rather, the Brethren, in an action that they had to have known would cause negative emotions, had the courage to do what the Lord directed them to do to protect His Church, rather than take the "easy way out" and do nothing.
First, by way of open disclosure, you should know, Dear Reader, that this blog entry is an attempt to deal with a difficult, complex, and largely misunderstood issue intelligently, fairly, and reasonably... so if you are looking for fiery emotional vitriol, you will be sorely disappointed. And if you LEAVE fiery emotional vitriol in the comments, you will be sorely deleted.
Some have suggested with varying degrees of hysterics, histrionics, hand-wringing and not a small amount of weeping and wailing that the Big, Bad Church is now not only hateful and homophobic, and but is Satanically Cruel in denying salvation to little children of gay couples.
Here's a news flash.
The Big, Bad Church has ALWAYS decried homosexuality as a serious moral sin. Always. That's never changed. The only thing in that area that HAS changed is that a) the Church has made their love and concern for those affected by Same Sex Attraction much more clear and noticeable, and b) their alarm over the increasing acceptance of this practice in our society... something which would have been unheard of even 30-40 years ago.
"But condemning innocent children and babies? Seriously? How cruel and heartless! Those little children didn't do anything wrong!"
This is where the proverbial wheels fall off the critics of the Church who are attempting to turn this issue into a rallying cry for wholesale apostasy. This announcement has nothing whatsoever to do with "punishing" children of same-sex parents. In fact, it's exactly the opposite.
The reality is that baby blessings are not salvific in nature. In other words, a baby blessing has nothing whatsoever to do with babies being saved or not. It is an opportunity for the father of that child to give it a father's blessing, and to announce the baby's name as it will appear on the records of the Church as a "child of record." Being a "Child of Record" is not the same as being a member of the Church. That only occurs when the child is baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... just like everyone else.
The prophet Moroni made it very clear in the Book of Mormon that babies are saved in the Kingdom of God, as they are innocent. That hasn't changed. They are still pure, precious, and entitled to Celestial glory should they die before the age of accountability. Nothing in this announcement changes that.
So what changed? Children of same-sex couples (who, by the Lord's standard, are living in serious moral sin and if married, apostasy) cannot receive this blessing, and when eligible, have higher standards to meet for baptism because of the circumstances of their home environment... just like a child of polygamist parents, which the Church also considers to be serious moral sin, and apostasy.
The concern is that the influence of parents living in serious moral sin may have created beliefs and attitudes in the child that are contrary to the Lord's standards of righteousness. This is the situation with children of polygamist families as well. Since gay marriage has now become the law of the land, it is no surprise that this policy has been extended to them as well.
For those who question why innocent children "should be held to a higher standard" regarding baptism, there is extensive scriptural precedent.
Throughout history, particularly as documented in the Old Testament (see, for instance, 1 Sam 15), innocent children were actually slain "for the sins of the fathers," presumably because had they been left to grow up in the toxic and unrighteous environment they were in, they may have been worse than the parents who raised them in rebellion against God... and taking their lives as innocent children, where they were assured of salvation, was actually a blessing for them and a merciful act of a loving Heavenly Father.
While this is not the same situation in severity, of course, and no one is advocating mercy killings of children of same-sex parents, it very much is in principle... and the concern is reasonable and prudent.
Let me try to put this in a secular situation that might make more sense.
Let's say that a certain employee, who has worked for General Motors all their career, decides to go to work for Ford Motor Company. During all of their years at General Motors, they have been taught and indoctrinated about how evil and deficient Fords are.
The hiring manager at Ford, knowing of the employee's background at General Motors, might reasonably be more cautious and probing in the hiring and interview process no matter how much they wanted the employee to join them, perhaps even referring the hiring decision to the CEO for approval, to ensure that Ford's interests are not being compromised by someone who might believe that Ford Motors is, in fact, evil and deficient. They are not rejecting the employee from being hired... they are simply being cautious throughout the process. Without this caution and due diligence, the employee might have caused serious damage to Ford from within, and may have poisoned the reputation and quality that Ford may have worked long and hard to create. The employee could have caused serious damage to other employees, "poisoning the well," so to speak, regarding the other employees commitment to Ford.
This is precisely what the Church is doing with children being raised (and perhaps indoctrinated by) same-sex parents... just like those children being raised (and perhaps indoctrinated by) polygamist families. The Church has not only a right, but a sacred obligation, to protect itself and its members. No one is denying salvation to anyone. Rather, the Brethren, in an action that they had to have known would cause negative emotions, had the courage to do what the Lord directed them to do to protect His Church, rather than take the "easy way out" and do nothing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)