For some time now, I've been munging on the disturbing reality of my own self-sabotage. It isn't an easy thing to admit... that you're been unconsciously undermining your own success at almost every turn in almost every aspect of your life... and yet that's precisely what I discovered I was doing to myself.
You see, no matter what anyone says, in my mind and heart I'm a Colossal Loser. Big "L" on my forehead and everything. And if nothing changes, I always will be. Oh, I'll try to convince you otherwise... I put on a pretty good show about wanting others to "appreciate my work," or "admire my talent," or whatever it is that I think OTHERS value in who I am. But in my mind and heart, I know that they'll never value me for ME. I'll never be "enough." I'll always be a fraud... and in that, always unworthy of happiness.
So, I make choices that will pretty much guarantee that I never find it.
I can't even begin to tally the number of times that I've had a "great idea," or an "ingenius spark of creativity"... only to watch it crumble in failure because I cannot bring myself to follow through on even simple tasks that would contribute to my own success. Standing back and observing these trends in my life, it becomes actually comical in a dark, tragic sort of way.
The most devastating part of self-loathing (which is the fertile, well-manured underlying soil of self-sabotage), is that a) you realize that the thing that killed your chances of success in your life was... you. And b) that your self-sabotage is part of an even greater cycle that is almost impossible to break out of. The more you sabotage yourself, the more you fail and the more unhappy you become. The more unhappy you become, the less you feel you are worthy of happiness, and the more validity is heaped onto the refuse pile of self-loathing. And on and on and on and on.
You see, once we determine that we are not worthy of success or happiness, we often make unconscious choices that validate that belief. "See? I told you I'm a failure. Just look at my latest 'great idea.' NOTHING works for me." It's easy to validate failure. All you have to do is fail. It's familiar territory. It's your "old stomping ground." It has all of the comfort of the proverbial "old shoe." You know it, and it knows you. It is a "known."
Of course, my inner self argues, "I WANT to be happy... I WANT to be successful... are you kidding me?" The truth is that while happiness and success are things you desperate yearn for, they are invariably something that you inwardly know you'll never achieve, because in your heart, you believe that you don't deserve it, that you aren't "good enough" to achieve it, and that you aren't "enough" to be in that class of lucky people. So, faced with your withering self-loathing, your obedient inner self snaps to attention with a hearty, "Aye, Aye, Captain!" and carries out your orders to make sure that belief is more than valid.
While it's fairly easy to see how this condition manifests itself in the secular workaday world... I'm not entirely sure if we realize the damage that it does to us spiritually, which I've discovered can be far more subtle and insidious.
Let examine the story of "Joe."
Joe suffers from chronic depression, and yet is a faithful member of his Church, and attends meetings every Sunday. He fulfills assignments, and tries to be "good," since that is what people do who are "righteous"... they are "good." They do "good things." They treat people well. They're perfectly honest. They have perfectly pure thoughts. They never do "bad" things. They don't struggle with addiction. They don't "sin." They never stray from the "straight and narrow." They strive to exemplify a higher standard in their conduct. They are filled with the joy and light that result from being innately "good."
Joe was taught from a very young age that if he wanted to be with God, he must meet certain standards and criteria and basically must be pretty damned near perfect, as "no unclean thing can enter the Kingdom of God." Joe looks around himself at Church, and all he sees are people that are "good." People that are definitely better than him. And people that deserve to be happy and successful and to live with God someday.
At church, Joe sees an entire congregation of people that, compared to him, are damned near perfect. He feels out of place and "less than." This causes Joe a tremendous amount of pain and anguish in his soul because he desperately WANTS to be "good." He loves God. He WANTS to be "righteous." And yet, at every turn, it seems like he consistently does something that drives a wedge more deeply between this deep spiritual desire and achieving that peace and self-acceptance.
Joe doesn't believe that he measures up. Not by a long shot. He's nowhere near perfect, and in fact is obsessed with past mistakes and sins that he really doesn't believe deep down inside that he has ever been really forgiven for... because he's "Joe." He knows how dark his thoughts and feelings can be sometimes. He knows that he can never be among the "righteous"... not really. He isn't "good." He's broken. He doesn't have perfectly clean thoughts. He is irritable and impatient with others. He's made some pretty bad mistakes throughout his life. He is damaged. He is depressed about how he doesn't measure up, and the more depressed this makes him the stronger his belief becomes that he will NEVER measure up. Not really.
Joe believes deep inside that if the others at church REALLY knew how badly he didn't measure up and how "bad" he was, they would throw him out and tell him to never come back. After all, "good" people don't deserve to be burdened with someone so "bad." It just drags everyone down.
As Joe plods through his Hell-hole of a life, he finds himself sometimes doing things... bad things... that do some pretty serious validation of his feelings of unworthiness.
It truly baffles Joe; he doesn't understand why he does those things... they don't bring him joy or light or happiness... he knows they're wrong... he feels deep remorse because of them. He never set out to do them. And yet it seems like some invisible force compels him to do them, almost against his very will. Joe becomes more and more frustrated, angry, and depressed. He desperately wants to be 'good.' Being 'bad' is not what he wants. But it seems that being "bad" is just what he is. Every time he tries to be "good," he winds up doing something "bad" as if to prove that he's just not worthy of being "good."
Of course, every time Joe does one of these 'bad things,' his inner dialogue screams, "See?! I TOLD you that I'm a Bad Person, and that I'm not worthy of ever being forgiven, much less 'good.' I'm not like the 'good' people. I just can't do this." Joe's self-esteem drops like a rock. Joe's self-loathing takes off like a rocket. Same song, different verse. Rinse and repeat. Worlds without end.
Joe will eventually find himself so overcome with self-hatred and hopelessness that he will at least think seriously about taking his own life. After all, he doesn't deserve to live. It's that bad. Joe believes that his soul is so stained and filthy that it will never be clean again. Everyone would be so much better off if he weren't there to drag everyone down and hurt those that he loves.
Does Joe intellectually know better? Of course. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Joe knows the REAL truth. He's a Colossal Loser... always has been, always will be, and hell-bent on proving it to everyone... especially to himself and God. You see, the loftier his desires and goals, the harder his subconscious works to prove that it will never happen... that he simply isn't worth it. It is a self-fulfilling prophesy.
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