As I lay awake in bed tonight, struggling to quiet the ever-present demons, a thought occurred to me that whispered truth in my ear... and really made me think. (One of the more common pastimes for those who are severely depressed is to wonder why they are so miserable and screwed-up... and why nothing seems to help).
Tonight I gained a tiny bit of clarity, I think. It didn't help me feel better, of course, other than to gain another piece of the never-ending puzzle that is my depression.
The insight? That I just don't "fit in"... and never have.
As I put this theory to the test and went back through my life story and thought about each discrete stage, event, or segment, I came to realize that in almost every case, I felt like I didn't "fit in" somehow.
Childhood? Didn't fit in. Only child. Broken and abused almost from birth through age 11. Moved around a lot. Always the new kid at school. Always the last one chosen. Beaten up. Kids are cruel and mean. Never close to anyone. 8 schools in 12 grades.
Adolescence? Didn't fit in. Tried, and had some limited success socially, but in the end, no cigar. Did a lot of great stuff. Had great opportunities. Only bright, shining spots in my life. Most marred by serious mistakes, though.. Again, very few close friendships. Friends that I did have seemed to be much better people than I knew I was... so I didn't "fit in" with their crowd.
Adulthood? Didn't fit in. Poor relationship with almost all of my siblings, as I was 10 years older than the next oldest... don't even really know them. They detest me. Moved around even more. No roots. Dreams of education shattered by poverty and sudden family responsibility. Hopeless. No future. Loveless marriage. Always the new guy at Church... and work. Never part of the ward "cliques." No close friends. Any associations I did have that made me feel wanted and needed seemed to end abruptly. First Marriage destroyed. Kicked out of Church I loved. Not wanted. Went off deep end. No close friends. Completely alone. No one to talk to or confide in.
Second marriage? Tried valiantly to "fit in" with new spouse and step-kids, and then with my own kids we had together. Never got there. Ultimately sabotaged and destroyed. Career sabotaged and destroyed. Strike two. Left the Church. Totally hopeless, despondent, and suicidal for the first time. Still no friends. No one to talk to. No support mechanism.
Third marriage? 20 years into it now and still constantly miserable and sabotaging my relationships. Still no friends. Step-children punish and torture my wife for staying with me. Constantly feel guilty and hopeless. Don't "fit in" with family. Don't "fit in" anywhere... not at Church, not professionally (what profession?), not in any sense of the word. Bitter. Angry. Resigned. Too old to "reinvent" myself.
Days, weeks, months, years, decades come and go... all the while realizing that I've never "fit in" anywhere. My Church doesn't want me. Feels like God doesn't want me. I've totally failed at being a husband, father, and apparently, friend. Any "friend" I make only uses me, and then ultimately discards me. No professional success of any kind. Almost 60 and nothing to show for it. If I died tomorrow, not only would my family not be able to afford to bury me, I seriously wonder if anyone would even notice that I was gone... much less miss me. And many in my own family would actually rejoice at my passing.
Where will I go when I die? I'm certain that I won't "fit in" in the hereafter. Not righteous enough. Not good enough. Failure at even that. I wonder sometimes if there's even a place for me... anywhere... where I truly "fit in?"
What happens when you don't "fit in" to eternity? When everlasting happiness and peace is something that someone else... everyone else... gets to enjoy, except you? I imagine "forever" as being a place where I'm consigned to always be the "outsider." Never, ever "fitting in." Anywhere. Forever.
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